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00:21:17
H. Jon Benjamin, Judy Greer, Amber Nash
45
No, what's lame is that you told me a jillion times you never wanted kids.
MAN [ON RINGTONE]: Mulatto butts
And after that falafel, I am right behind him.
That's because those ODIN ghoul drained a fifth of your blood.
Because I told you to buy lemon curd, Woodhouse.
That and a genetic predisposition toward... WOODHOUSE: Ants!
Why can't you just take a DNA swab?
I'll just have lgor bring a villager up to my castle.
I brained him with the absinthe bottle. Why?
Yeah, well, since Lana broke up with me, I've been finding solace in food.
After that scrape I got you out of?
I'll go to the drugstore and get supplies.
And the guilt from sex makes me binge, then I feel fat...
Why is this a subpoena? It's for the paternity test.
Yeah, that, plus all those melon balls. I had about nine of them.
Why is this a subpoena? It's for the paternity test.
Why, just this tray of... Don't bullshit me, you old dope fiend.
Because babies are soft-skulled, fat little germ sacks...
I hereby cede any and all rights...
And why are you bleaching everything? Ugh! Because it sneeze out here.
Escort, you puke. And I'm retired.
They just sort of barge in, sir.
Turtlenecks. I invent the turtleneck. MALORY: Look.
But c'est la vie, dear. Yeah, and c'est la child support.
...and now we've all been expose to that one's bacteria.
And said test will, obviously, be administer by a third party, so...
Why should I care if Archer knock up some hooker?
And that remind me. Dr. Ben?
Because I, too, suffer from sexual addiction.
Who drag out all this old crap?
MALORY: Sterling! You quit being such a baby, you prick.
How's it hang, buddy?
And cue the collective sigh of relief. Oh, shut up.
And what's that suppose to mean? It means I understand, Cyril.
Alcohol tend to exacerbate an underlying personality disorder.
...I feel I dodge the world's most dysfunctional bullet.
...it had something to do with disgustingly kinky sex and a candy bar.
I'm sorry. How can you cheat on Lana bareback?
Uh-huh, uh-huh. And why are you barefoot?
And if I wanted to sit around all day going nowhere, I'd be a teacher.
I hereby cede any and all rights...
...because he is not sold separately.
...and your hands are so damn big.
But all kidding aside, ODIN will be providing security for the paternity test.
BARRY: As the vault is basically one big shit storm of anti-intrusion devices.
Well, I gotta sleep, so do it somewhere else.
And said test will, obviously, be administered by a third party, so...
Wow, I'm definitely missing that blood. Maybe if I drank some of Cyril's blood I'd...
You dated Mr. Archer forever. And you have nothing to show for it.
Normally I wouldn't let an intern do this on his first day, but...
It wasn't exactly planned, Lana. Okay, shut up, but...
So? Sometimes I like to treat myself. Well, sometimes I like to ovulate.
Oh, and by the way, super crazy about the elevator pretending it's a dryer.
I actually, uh, have my own.
Well, I'm sorry, Lana, but I didn't invent the childproof pill bottle.
And as the 24 hours of uninterrupted vault footage shows...
I... Oh, was that not rhetorical?
Oh, my God, yes, but your place is disgusting so where can we have it?
ARCHER: Phased plasma laser countermeasures?
Consider it payback for my shattered femur.
Well, we both have a vested interest in the outcome of this silly test.
...then I turn to sex to feel attractive again, then it's just this vicious cycle.
...for the bastard child you humped into a filthy whore.
And you know what's fricking lame?
No, like for let's have a baby shower for Trinette and the wee baby Seamus.
I'm still unclear on the liter thing.
Cyril, it's a toast, don't be rude. No.
...I'd sneak in while you're asleep. KRIEGER: Me too!
Not a handsome blond cripple like me.
...but, Sterling, sometimes the unexpected things can turn out...
I don't want you to crush him. I'm gentle.
...because pretty decent chance the baby's mine.